My Lifesaver

The second I said it, I realized how often the words had come out of my mouth recently. “I just feel like I’m at the end of my rope!”

One night, after I took the trash out to the garage, I found a seat in an old rocking chair we had just taken out of the house to make more room. Next thing I know, I’m sitting there balling my eyes out. My trash run took a turn.

I sat in the fresh, 27 degrees (which believe it or not, felt great!), looking out at our cars in the dark, and cried out to God. Brok and I had just had a difficult conversation about him missing his old body. It rips my heart out every time. I was feeling so much heaviness. The underlying tension from COVID and how that affects so many areas of our lives, as well as the these recent moments that brought up all the grief surrounding this spinal cord injury, all compounded into a heaviness hovering in a huge cloud over my head. That cloud seemed to come pouring down on me in tears in a crusty, old rocker in our garage, right next to the garbage. I sat there and had it out with God.

I’ve been studying the book of John in the Bible this year. Through that, I’ve been learning about Jesus as my savior. He came to save us from our sins, but a new definition of savior started to emerge for me.

“For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:17

“Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved.” Acts 4:12

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they. may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10

A couple days later, I said it again, “I just feel like I’m at the end of my rope.”

These verses marinated in my thoughts. Whose on the other end of that rope? When I realized what I had been saying, it hit me- Jesus is. He came to save. He came that I might have life, and have it to the full. He is my savior.

That night, my 2-yr-old, Noble’s injury resulted in a fractured tibia in his left leg. We hadn’t had one of those in the family yet, and my thoughts immediately went to, “Really? Just one more thing God…one more thing to adjust to, one more person to carry around, one more new set of skills to figure out…yep, at the end of my rope…”

In my mind a picture began to emerge. Jesus is in the lifeboat leaning over the side as I’m thrashing about in the rough water. He’s lowering a rope to my outstretched hand. He’s there. He’s not going anywhere. He’s waiting for me, and he’s there to save me. He’s with me in the toughest moments, and trials of my life. He’s there, hand outstretched, with the invitation to trust him, and rest in the fact that he’s there.

Along with that fractured leg, came a series of hard nights. Noble was uncomfortable and in pain. But, what also came with this new life hurdle was renewed hope as God’s people rallied around us, showing us his love, lavishing his gifts upon us, again. There was also renewed hope as my perspective on Jesus as my savior took on a new, more relevant meaning in my current circumstances.

There are meals showing up, and take out gift cards, and boxes of toys to fill the time, and notes of encouragement for Noble and I, and a homemade teddy bear with a cast on it. There was a chance for Brok and I to go to church in person! There’s been an outpouring of love into our home and our hearts through Jesus’ people, our people. This journey has helped our family learn to receive. And, through that, God has shown us his love, time and time again.

In this image in my mind of me in the water, and Jesus holding the rope to rescue me, I reach my hand out to him. But, my other hand is clenched tightly at my side, I open up my fist. I let go of anxiety, and unmet expectations, and fear of the unknown, and disappointment, and feelings of being let down, and feelings of being overwhelmed. I let them all go as I choose to fix my eyes on my savior.

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 12:12b

As I rocked my two-year-old on my lap at 3:45 a.m. one morning, I muddled through a verse of Amazing Grace. I was combining three verses into one, but who would know? All of a sudden, I was utterly startled when a tiny, clear voice joined mine! Little Noble’s voice rose up, his words making even less sense than my own as he tried to copy me. It was the sweetest, most heavenly little sound I may have ever heard. Rocking in the dark, space heater roaring, headlamp illuminating our bodies and little voices in the darkness, a tear slid down my face. In that moment, there was no place I would have rather been than singing sweet words of grace and salvation, with a very sweet little boy on my lap, to my savior. Jesus used a cuddly toddler to comfort me, and remind me he is with me, and as we sat in the dark, we were in His light.

“You O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” Psalm 18:28