Fruit and Weeds

If you’ve read the Bible, It seems a sure thing that you’ve encountered a verse (or many) that don’t resonate personally, or even make sense at first. Through the first year of Brok’s injury, Psalm 34 was my go-to chapter in the Bible, especially in the early, hardest months. This passage became mine. I would read it often, and the words were my prayer for our lives. It still is, and I still find comfort in the truths in Psalm 34. 

But, one verse stood out because it didn’t seem to fit for us, and our circumstances: “Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.” Huh. It sounds good, but for whatever reason, I didn’t connect with it. Whenever I’d come to that verse, I’d think, “Okay, God…”

“Life” has just kept coming at us this year. A toddler with a broken leg in January. Sickness in the family, a sprained ankle for myself- right when we were headed on a medical trip in February. An ER visit and lacerated foot for myself in June. Plumbing issues, rental property water damage, childcare challenges. Then, earlier this summer, a brutal stomach bug that took our family out for weeks, and was the most disgusting thing we’d had in the house yet.

This year has felt like standing in the ocean and getting knocked about by really rough waves. Just when I would get my bearings, and start to stand up agin, another big one would body slam me back onto the sand again, complete with water up my nose. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. These last couple years have been beyond challenging for almost everyone. 

In the background of our lives, grief has lurked as we continue to accept, and be faced with more and more of the reality and permanence of Brok’s injury. The feeling of missing out on fun things that our family isn’t really able to do, isolation with COVID, then the isolation due to sickness, and feeling like we’re starting over in a community again after living away. Last July, we came home to a different place than the one we left, in COVID. As the Southern would say, it’s been A MINUTE.

Where has God been in the midst of all that? Actually, we were taken care of in countless ways. People dropping off meals, and helping me pack when I couldn’t walk. A family friend “just happened” to be working in the very full ER in Dallas when I need to have my foot stitched up, enabling me to hobble right in, with no wait. The special bond of old friends, but also building community with new ones has been a sweet gift.

My faith has been more messy than tidy these past couple months. I don’t like wrestling with questions that challenge God. I KNOW in my head the validity of my faith, and certainty of God in my life, but my heart hasn’t always matched as of late, and the trauma and difficulty of these last couple years started to catch up with me. I started to noticed a little disillusionment and jadedness settling in. I’ve studied the Israelites and their pilgrimage through the desert, I didn’t want to turn into them! But, I’ve felt like I’ve been in the wilderness.

This has been a time of “clinging” when God hasn’t felt particularly close.

Our house search intensified because quite frankly, we didn’t want to live another winter in our current home, and the multi-level living had seriously worn us down. My phone would alert every time a new home would come on the market. A welcome distraction from the daily grind I wasn’t enjoying. But, as much as I loved checking those alerts the second they rung, my heart’s desire was that I didn’t want my hope to be in a house! I wanted my hope to be in the Lord!

Recently a home came on the market that looked like the right fit. We started the process of trying to buy it, and in the waiting, questions about my faith came up for me. Do I believe that God is GOOD all the time? Do I believe He has my best interests at heart? I do believe those things, even when things don’t work out, and even when we think we know what is best for our lives, and His plan is different. I WANTED my answer to be yes to all those questions, no matter what happened with our home search! I was preparing myself to be disappointed, and this home not to work out. It’s a brutal market out there, and we hadn’t had our hearts broken by losing out on house we’d loved yet. I was preparing for the worst. 

The day after we got an accepted offer on the house, and there was still so much uncertainty, I was watering our little garden after the kids were in bed. I was very intently focused on the dirt, and little seedlings popping up because I didn’t want to be nosy as new neighbors were moving in next door.

I saw the little weeds cropping up, and bent down to pull them out. I started thinking about how God is the gardener of my life, and I’m the branches connected to the vine of Jesus. (John 15) What little weeds were cropping up in the soil of my soul? (Matthew 13) Our little box garden beds will be completely overtaken by weeds by the end of the summer if we don’t stay on top of it, and don’t pick the tiny ones as they get bigger over time. It has happened in the past, and the end result is an absolute overgrown, tangled mess. I wondered: “What are the little weeds starting to take root in the garden of my life?” It wasn’t but a couple days later that God showed me my hardness of my heart and lack of compassion in a certain area. Weeds. They can really sneak up on us. 

I thought about where the fruit was in my life (John 15:5), or the good crop (Matthew 13). Wasn’t there supposed to be fruit in all this refining? All this hardness? In the moments I’m stressed, and put to the test, it seems that just gross Amanda, not grace-filled, loving Amanda comes out.

As I finished up the watering, I looked up. My singular, intense focus shifted away from the weeds, and I took in the long view of the front yard. It wasn’t actually a particularly pretty view of the street and houses, but in the act of looking up, not focusing on the weeds on the ground, I instantly felt open and free. I could take in a deep breadth. Then, the red, plump, perfectly ripe raspberries caught my attention. Fruit. It was there, just a couple feet from me. I went over to it, and picked a very small harvest. It was beautiful. 

Maybe the question isn’t, “Where are you God, and what are you up to?” Or, “Where is the fruit?” Maybe the question for me is: “Which way is my gaze directed? What am I focused on?” I realized I want to keep my gaze looking up, focused on Him, the one orchestrating my life, during the pruning and weeding, one day at a time.

The inspection was the next big hurdle in the the process, and at the inspection, Brok and I spent time at the house, and walking the land (almost an acre in town!). The home backs up to a stunning creek and trail system. I decided to check it out. I left the back gate. The terrain was a lot more rugged than I anticipated, which made me sad. I thought about how the thick woods with downed trees and steep incline to the water would be challenging for Brok. I hopped over the creek on a couple rocks, and walked up the paved trail, enjoying exploring this creek and trails I hadn’t spent much time on before. We were looking at an incredible home! And yet, here I was focusing on Brok’s physical limitations, which made me sad.

“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. ” Psalm 23:1-3

I walked to the top of the block, and then back down the other side of the creek, trying to find the obscure trail to the backyard. Then, I saw them: the red, plump, perfectly ripe berries nestled amongst the green leaves. I started to pick them, and enjoy them. I kept walking along the trail. Then, more red, plump, perfectly ripe berries to eat! I kept walking, but the thimbleberry patches didn’t seem to end! They weren’t picked over. They were all there, as if waiting for me to come by.

Tears filled my eyes.

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing. The Lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.

The full circle nature of the moment hit home. We waited a year in our house that was a challenging place to live after moving back to Duluth. Then, a home came on the market like nothing we’d seen in terms of meeting our needs. In the waiting of the last year, we were able to afford what we needed. The home is FULL of gifts, things we were hoping for in a home, but not sure we would get. And, the property backs up to woods, and trails, and a creek with waterfalls. Later, I realized the whole property is surrounded by thimbleberries. The fruit. It’s there.

The home, and neighborhood we’ve lived in for the past 5 years has been a blessing to us in so many ways. We’ve made so many good memories, and friends! We’ve fumbled, and struggled, and thrived at times too. We’ve trusted the gardener through it all. And now, it’s time for us to be transplanted to a new home, in a new “garden” surrounded by his grace and goodness, and thimbleberries!

“The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them.” Psalm 34:7